(In this case, I knew the reason was going to be a sensitive one, similar to returning a crib still in the box to the baby store. After 10 years of etailing, I learned when and when not to ask - “Is there a reason for your cancellation today?”)

My experience meant bupkis (Yiddish for ‘nothing’) because this customer needed me to ask the question so she could unload her sorrow on me. (”Lady, I’m just a retailer. I sell stuff! And now I really gotta get back to my generic subscription renewal series because I’m on deadline.”)

If customer service in this country sucks, it sucks, in small part, because we’re training consumers to anticipate bad customer service, deep suspicious grilling when trying to return or cancel an order, or worse, ‘magical’ customer service.

Why magical? Because in my mea culpa letter to the customer who felt ill-served, I actually apologized FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO READ HER MIND. I didn’t write that, of course, but that, indeed was the subtext.

When I worked in my first copywriting job, I was given the task of writing what we called the ‘Ooops” letters for customer service. I wrote mostly generic letters but occasionally had to craft them custom. I was given this task because I wrote them in a sincere and soothing manner.

My bosses loved them because I turned customer frowns upside down just like Mary Tyler Moore. I had one boss who wanted me to write his own note for him on his own father’s Father’s Day card because he didn’t like his father but didn’t want him to know.

But the nice thing about the B2B book business was that I never found myself apologizing for not having been born with supernatural powers.

Of course, I still write them with the same sincere, soothing tone. I showed my husband the original email and my reply. “Welcome to a little glimpse of my world, baby.” He said he admired my restraint. He couldn’t have done it.

But I can because, to paraphase Jon Lovitz in his over-the-top performance of the deliciously haughty, hack thespian, “I am a copywriter!”

Ok, copywriter colleagues, what’s your favorite “written through clenched teeth” piece? The floor is open. Mojitos all around.

• Enjoyed this post? Subscribe to The Copywriting Maven by email or RSS
• Need a copy critique or a consult? Contact the Maven
• My favorite resource on landing pages - The ultimate guide to writing and designing effective landing pages - Marketing Sherpa’s Landing Page Handbook, 2008 (aff) - ON SALE NOW

photo credit: Hugo90

… and park on a driveway?

I’m a first-generation American on my father’s side, second-generation on my mother’s. Practically everyone I knew spoke English as a second language and with quite a strong accent. Many were bi, tri and even quad-lingual - Russian, Hungarian, Czech, Romanian, along with Yiddish as the “mamaloshen.”

English, however, gave them the complete yips.

The undecipherable spelling, the weird syntax, the gender-neutrality of the nouns, and the bland cuss words. (My dad arrived in Pittsburgh, PA at age 13 speaking no English at all. One of my favorite mementos from his night school days was a wooden ruler where he carefully inked out expressions of the day, slightly mangled and badly spelled.)

So, I derive some odd, I’m sure misplaced, pleasure in the fact that today I actually make a pretty fair living forcing English into something amusing, informative and when I’m getting paid for it, motivating.

Still, having learned Spanish, French and Hebrew, I can appreciate just how bizarre English is. So when I saw this list printed in some online rag I read, I had to share it. I believe I found the original link for it here, but it appears to have been embellished somewhat in its most current variation.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you’ve learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why oh why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

So, what about you? I titled this post with an example of a favorite English word confusion. Got one to share?

photo credit: Lauren Just Lauren

I have a ton of other things to do today, but this struck funny enough to share.

I was perusing my Google Alert bot for “copywriting” when I came across this little tidbit:

Why is independent direct bodily process copywriting so moneymaking? Because it thrust immediate sales. And if you can show that your verbal creation mental faculty get people